Rookie Mommy Ramblings

October 14, 2009

I'm pregnant. Just like that. With a blink of an eye or rather with the thrust of some hips... and some other biological processes, I am pregnant. Was I shocked at first? Yes, incredibly shocked. Was I scared? Yes, definitely yes. Was I happy? More than I ever could imagine... once the "Holy shit, I'm pregnant!" reaction subsided.

After sharing a bottle of wine with a dear friend and talking about not having kids for another 3-5 years... I realized "Oh my God, I'm like 5 days late!" I immediately began to obsess with the thought. Of course, instead of putting these incessant thoughts at ease with a simple pee-on-a-stick ritual, I decided to wait... and wait. No sign of Aunt Flow. She must have missed her flight. I thought "I've been working a lot lately, it has to be the stress." I had just finished wrapping up the crazy publicity for an event that managed to suck the life force out of me.

For a six weeks, I had replaced my dear sleep with naps and my eating habits would've make anorexics jealous. Surely, Aunt Flow would arrive soon... it's the stress, the lack of sleep, the birth control... THE BIRTH CONTROL?! OH MY GOD! I forgot to put in the Nuvaring last month! And AT forgot we were on the no-fail-pull-out-method and OH MY GOD... who am I kidding? I'm knocked up.

Still in denial, swearing to myself that "my boobies hurt" because my period was on its way along with the usual fatigue, I decided not to think about it again as the weekend approached. I wrote off my early pregnancy symptoms as PMS and just waited.

After spending the weekend with my love indulging in things you should only do if you're over 21 and no sign of Aunt Flow, I decided I had to take a pregnancy test. I'll wait 'til Monday morning. Monday came and went. Nothing yet.

By Tuesday, I knew I had buy a pregnancy test stat but I would wait to get out of work (as tempted as I was to go during lunch) and take the test with AT, my incredibly fertile baby daddy. Around 4:30 in the afternoon, I was feeling sick to my stomach... went into the ladies room and BARF! There went my lentil soup.

I rushed back to my desk and called the little marketplace downstairs from the office.

"Hello, Islander Marketplace" silence... silence... I couldn't say it, I was almost embarrassed. "Do you have pregnancy tests?," I quietly asked. To my relief they did. I buy my lunch there all the time, do I really want the cashier to know I may be pregnant? I didn't care, I had to know. I bought a two-pack and was on my way.

Nervously opening the box, I took the first test and waited... and waited... and no lines. No lines?!? You have to be kidding me. One line is not pregnant. Two is pregnant. Kinda like one if by land, two if by sea... everyone knows you need one or the other! But I had no lines and an empty bladder. Shit.

I read the instructions again. Turned out, I had a faulty test. So now I had to wait again. After five minutes of inner-dialoguing with my bladder, "Come on, I just need a little bit" - she let go of the reserves and I was happily peeing on the stick. Now to wait the three minutes... but in less than thirty seconds I had two "in your face" lines.

I am pregnant. It's confirmed.


Of course, you think I'd call AT first. But no, like a scared five year old, I called my mommy... she was in shock but happy. I was just in shock. The happiness came later but for now, I was dear-in-headlights-shocked. I called AT and said "Hi baby, can you be home in half hour?" Of course, he was wondering why I was so mysterious. I didn't want to tell him over the phone but I had to see him right away, it couldn't wait. "I took a pregnancy test..." I whispered. He knew the result. He was happy, ecstatic even. I was just... shocked. My mind was a million thoughts per second.

As soon as he got home, he gave me the biggest hug and cried beautiful tears of joy. I was still in shock but it was starting to feel more real with every second and seeing AT's happiness made me feel like "every little thing is gonna be alright." I was starting to embrace the idea of being a mommy... and as I envisioned my baby in my arms, it felt so beautifully perfect. I love kids, I love family and I love my husband! And now, we are having our very own family! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!

After a beautiful evening celebrating with the love of my life, I woke up as though it were a dream... then I got up from bed and I nearly fainted, let the morning sickness begin!

I want to write... and perhaps now I have a couple minutes to spare, but in my mind... I know I have to go. I am late. Always late... in a haste.

Today, time will not defeat me... at least not for the next short moments.

This morning I realized "I lost it" - the ease of writing has long been gone and I seek to earn the privilege to write again, to let my words flow, to create something beautiful... worthy enough for others to read, perhaps even enjoy, deep enough to make me feel relieved and rid me of any haunting thoughts or even just to express moments of overwhelming joy... I seek the writing that makes me feel like I am translating myself onto this abused screen and takes me away from the mess that is myself. I want to become words... but not today. Today I have become too many elipsises and commas... today I am not my words or my thoughts... today I am a product of time, a failed miscalculation.

Today, I felt lost and didn't know where to begin or end and I am mourning the loss of my words, of my inspiration... of my time to write... but I am late, I have to go... tomorrow perhaps I'll find the words and maybe even the time... but seems neither are my friend these days.

Main Concepts of Confucianism: the twin concepts of jen
and li are often said to constitute the basis of Confucianism.

A. Jen (wren): human heartedness; goodness; benevolence, man-to-man-ness; what makes man distinctively human (that which gives human beings their humanity).
1. The virtue of virtues; Confucius said he never really saw it full expressed. The other virtues follow from it. He never gives and defends a definition of it although he does characterize it.
2. It is dearer than life itself--the man of jen will sacrifice his life to preserve jen, and conversely it is what makes life worth living.
3. Jen is a sense for the dignity of human life--a feeling of humanity towards others and self-esteem for yourself.
a. Such feeling applies to all men--not just one nation or race. It is the foundation of all human relationships.
b. There is the belief that jen can be obtained; indeed, there is the belief in the natural perfectibility of man. Hence, he rejects the way of human action where one satisfies likes and avoids dislikes.
c. The first principle of Confucianism is to act according to jen: it is the ultimate guide to human action.
4. We should seek to extend jen to others.

B. Li (lee): principle of gain, benefit, order, propriety; concrete guide to human action.
1. Two basic meanings to li: (1) concrete guide to human relationships or rules of proper action that genuinely embody jen and (2) general principle of social order or the general ordering of life.
2. Confucius recognized that you need a well ordered society for wren to be expressed.
3. First Sense: the concrete guide to human relationships.
a. The way things should be done or propriety: positive rather than negative ("Do's rather than Don'ts).
b. The main components of propriety emphasize the openness of people to each other.
(1) The reification of names: language used in accordance with the truth of things.
(2) The Doctrine of the Mean: so important that an entire book is dedicated to it in the Confucian canon: the proper action is the way between the extremes.
(3) The Five Relationships: the way things should be done in social life; none of the relationships are transitive. (Note that 3 of the 5 relations involve family; the family is the basic unit of society).
(a) father and son (loving / reverential)
(b) elder brother and younger brother (gentle / respectful)
(c) husband and wife (good / listening)
(d) older friend and younger friend (considerate / deferential)
(e) ruler and subject (benevolent / loyal)
(4) Respect for age: age gives all things their worth: objects, institutions, and individual lives.
4. Second Sense of li: principle of social order; ritual; ordering of life; conforming to the norms of jen (the limits and authenticity of li).
a. Every action affects someone else--there are limits to individuality.
b. Confucius sought to order an entire way of life.
c. You shouldn't be left to improvise your responses because you are at a loss as to how to behave.
d. A. N. Whitehead's quotation of a Cambridge vicar: "For well-conducted people, life presents no problems."

I heart CB2. About a year ago I received the catalog at work, well, it wasn't sent to me but the person receiving no longer worked their and since I was "current resident" I kept it. I never got around to ordering the pillows below... "Save Love"
but it matched perfectly with our red Ikea accent chair and our black futon. Original price was $24.95. Now, "Save" is $9.95 and "Love" is $19.95... I guess love is more expensive than salvation. ;) Too late now to get them, my landlord gave us some really funky pillow cases from Turkey that work well but I was SO gonna get them.



Not sure how often the catalogs come out but I just got one again and I loooooveeeddddd the Andy Warhol quote apetizer plates, one of which I have a print of in our living room. ("Art is anything you can get away with.") A buck fifty for some nifty tapas plates... I'll take 'em.

Check them out:




I also liked this a lot... six languages, same spirit. Not sure if I'll get these ($21.95 for 6) but I dig.



I actually want stemless wine glasses, but the ones that rounded bottom and don't spill, just kinda' hang there... ok, I need a pic:



Only problem is I don't have anymore space for accent pieces and decoration... and I hate clutter, which is hard enough to avoid as is.

Moving on up... and American dreamin'.

I went to my Myspace blog specifically for what you'll see two posts below... awakening. I wanted to read and also send it to a friend who is like me, feeling inspired and uninspired simultanesously... we'll get into that in a sec.

As I read my previous blog, I run into my New Year's resolutions. How cliché that they are almost the same as this years. Looking back on 2008, I am grateful to God for so many blessings. The glass is always half full.

As far as feeling inspired yet uninspired... it stems from the quote below, written a year ago:

Creatively, I am in the dumps. I need more more more! Enough with living day-by-day, waiting to finish school and working towards paying my bills and not satisfying my heart.

I am hoping that blogging will alleviate this. I really miss writing poetry, I miss the creative dialougue within myself that would lead me to write for hours... it's likely been two years or so since I've been prolific.

A year ago...

January 2008
I wanted to work in PR although I was very happy at Toyota. Not being in PR full-time was frustrating, especially after taking on the job with Toyota. I came in thinking I could one day transfer into a PR position - but that would've meant a far-fetched move to NYC also.



August 2008
I began working at Burson-Marsteller, the most prestigious international PR firm and the wet-dream of any PR student. The opportunity found me when I wasn't even looking for work through a friend's recommendation. She applied for the position and was called after already making plans to move to Brazil, got friendly with the HR manager and offered my name. The rest is history. I miss Toyota terribly, my former boss was the most amazing human being and I will know him and his family forever. Growing pains.




January 2008
Loving every minute with my then boyfriend AT, living together was and is the best part of my life! My "plan" was to get married once I was done with school... at this point, I knew I wanted to marry AT, those feelings were there from the start. Little did I know...



June 2008
We go to LA for summer vacation, drive to Vegas. He proposes, I cry, I say hell effin yeah... and I haven't woken up from that dream since. I adore him and everything that has to do with him. Thank you, Lord. I prayed for him for so long.



So... where were my plans? I didn't strategicially plan for any of this and no one ever can plan for what God (or the universe) has prepared for us... We can pray for it, we can hope for it, we can have faith that our goals will come to fruition. In the end, it's our positive energy reinforced by our faith that brings forth the blessings in our life.

Today, I feel blessed and I remind myself that although many goals I have set for myself are still just goals, it's only a matter of time.

Gasp! In five short years I will be thirty. Nothing wrong with being thirty, in fact, I look forward to it.

However, there are certain things I would've hoped to accomplish at this halfway point. For one, I am still in school and if my crystal ball (AKA my degree audit) serves me right, it'll be that way for another 1.5 years… that translates into, graduation at twenty seven, even closer to thirty. Now three years to go: graduate, score an entry level position at some nifty PR firm or something along those lines and hopefully by thirty I'm on the cover of Fortune! Sorry, day-dreaming again… well, the whole Fortune thing. I'll be happy if I'm just profiled in the New Times, gotta conquer my backyard first. Ya know? Life's not too shabby "hatarakete" (working) for gazzilionaire-automotive-god-Toyota but the PR/Marketing/Communications side of the biz is in NYC. (Hmm? NYC? Why not, right? I love Miami. I love Miami. I love Miami.) For now, I'm working with some of the most intelligent people I've ever encountered and observing the strong-as-steel work ethics of corporate Japan. They are excel gurus - all of them! My boss is a great man and he's a true pleasure to work for (no, he's not friend on MySpace and he won't read this). Aishte imasta (I love) him! However, the automotive industry is not my niche although I am learning a lot about it. So yes, I'm staying put… although my gut tells me everyday to just quit and become a barrista at Starbucks and just be a college student. Frapuccino101 here I come? Nah. Focus101 would do be better.

Seriously, I would love to just take on some more freelance PR gigs. Vanessa Conde, Deborah-Magdalena, Miriam Elena… thank you for the guidance/opportunities, keep it coming! Anyone else… let me be your do-girl; I'm earning my stripes here! Working my way up that totem pole!

Truth is, I have been writing press releases and feature stories since I was 17. It all started when I took on a high-school internship. At the time of my senior year, I was taking five AP classes, one honors, played soccer, ran cross country, and had a weekend part-time job working box office in Main Street. It all started there the summer before my senior year… I picked up the Miami Laker one day at work and said, "Hmm, I wonder if they could use me?" My over-ambitious-self-induced schedule was busting at the seams, but I called and a friendly voice picked up (Peggy Austen, I love you!) and I just said "Hi, I'm a high school student. I will be going into college next year and I want to gain some experience with your newspaper. Do you need anyone around the office to help?" Ballsy, perhaps. It was more like youthful exuberance. This was a Friday, on Monday afternoon I came in to interview and ended up striking up a lengthy conversation with the editor-in-chief and head writer. Before I knew it, I was reading through all the press releases that came in and following up on community story leads. My first writing gig was my very own column, Student Spectrum, in the bi-monthly, Miami Laker, which reaches every home in Miami Lakes, West Hialeah and Palms Springs North. A community paper of this sort is mostly feature stories, so nothing too exciting but I had my own by-line before I was even legal. You may have read it (doubt it). My mama was proud. A year later, I was still there and I have a great recommendation letter and a strong relationship with my forever mentor, Peggy to along with that experience. I had the seed in me, but writing for the Miami Laker helped me blossom – for that, I am ever grateful. At the time, I received a scholarship from Rutgers University for their six-year med program but I ended up staying in Miami and jumping on the community college band-wagon. I no longer wanted to pursue the miraculous vocation of medicine. My love for people fostered the desire to help people in need, what better way than through medicine. The memories of volunteering at UM/Sylvester Cancer Center during my high school summers were unforgettable… yet painful. I could barely keep my eyes dry when I translated for Dr. Wolfson (still my friend) and saw the effects of radiation and chemotherapy. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized it wasn't my calling. I enrolled at Miami-Dade as a mass communications major and went on to FIU… and that's where the story becomes less prolific.

I have struggled with finishing school but by the same token, I have managed to also gain a lot of work experience. I have worked full-time since I graduation high school. I've met many creative minds and inspiring souls that have rooted me on and share my vision. At twenty-five, I'm independent from mami and papi, living with the man of my dreams one block from Lincoln Rd. For the complacent: I have it good, above-average salary and benefits. I work for a kick-ass company and I'm nine blocks exactly from AT's studio (we eat lunch together almost daily and carpool often). I'm not gloating you see, I want MORE. It would be the easy way out to take a chill-pill and not stress about the direction my life is headed… let me rephrase that, it's not the direction… it's the pace. 2008 is here and I need to put my life into fifth-gear. Creatively, I am in the dumps. I need more more more! Enough with living day-by-day, waiting to finish school and working towards paying my bills and not satisfying my heart. AT promised my mom we wouldn't marry until I was done with school… and yes, I want my wedding gown… but give me my cap and gown first. (I adore you, Arturo… you know you're not my boyfriend, you're my man!)

School starts tomorrow again… two classes… but enough blogging, I'm going to go register for a third class. I need to prioritize… I'll have to party a little less, but the rewards of accomplishing a little more will get me closer to the ultimate party: my graduation party!

BTW – New Year's Resolutions
-Blog more (creative outlet)
-Study more (academic outlet)
-Work-out more (stress outlet)
-Pray more (spiritual outlet)

Wish I knew who wrote this to give credit, I received this as a forward over two years ago and I had to share. Passionately and truthfully written.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and its OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, and to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that 'alone' does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. . . and that it is your right to want things that you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve, and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.





One Second Before Awakening from a Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee Around a Promegranate
-Salvador Dalí

Secretary of Arts

Dear Friends,

You may already have received this, but it is so important, I'm passing it along.

Quincy Jones has started a petition to ask President-Elect Obama to appoint a Secretary of the Arts. While many other countries have had Ministers of Art or Culture for centuries, The United States has never created such a position. We in the arts need this and the country needs the arts--now more than ever. Please take a
moment to sign this important petition and then pass it on to your friends and colleagues.